“High School Memories or Holy Tit-Fucking Moses” by Bob
They say, “If you remember the 60’s, then you weren’t really there.” Well, if you clearly recall high school, you’re better than I. But, when Marty Z. calls, you step up to the plate and answer well. That being said, here is a list of my clearest memories;
Let’s see…
I remember first getting to school and not being allowed to listen to rock and roll music or even dance. Eventually, I convinced the town preacher that it was okay because the bible says so. He was embarrassed and felt bad.
I remember being part of several clubs/teams- Oakton Fencing Squad, The Beekeeper’s Club, the Animation Club, The Latin Debate Team, and others. For a while, some friends and I did this thing where we’d get together in this cave at night and read old poetry to each other. Now it sounds kind of gay, but it wasn’t.
I remember guiding my penis into a warm apple pie.
I remember my friends and I all wearing ‘Swatches’ and synchronizing them, Navy Seal-style.
I remember the teachers that I loved and the ones that I hated, but all those in between have been lost to time, alcohol, and apathy. Mr. Duffner and Mr. Hand made history classes much more interesting than they had any right to be. On the other hand, Mr. Snape’s chemistry class was hell. He was an a-hole.
I remember Principal Rooney constantly on my ass about tardiness and attendance, but it didn’t stop me from ditching school and having a hell of a time.
I remember being on the basketball team for a while, and this one time, I turned into a wolf during a game. So embarrassing.
I remember having some trouble with bullies. I asked an old Japanese guy to teach me karate, but all he did was make me do his housework; painting fences, sanding floors- shit like that.
I remember the Soviets invading. Some of us got away. We camped out in the mountains. Jon Theobald killed a guy.
I remember staying out of trouble most of the time, but I had a few moments. Anyone remember the time school was cancelled because it was flooded out? I snuck in at night and busted a water main with an axe. Frank (the giant bunny rabbit) told me to do it.
I remember dumping pig’s blood on that girl, Carrie. I don’t want to talk about that.
I remember at least one of those stupid pranks landing me in detention. It wasn’t what I expected. There were a couple of fuck-ups, but there was also this clean-cut jock and this typical, perfect, popular girl. We all ended up sneaking around the school. Then, we made out. We learned a lot about ourselves that day.
I remember getting over my stage fright and playing ‘Johnny Be Good’ at one of our school dances. I really cooked, but people weren’t ready for my sound.
I remember girls, all mysterious and dewy-like. Every time Winnie Cooper passed me in the hall, time would slow to a crawl. Her face would be surrounded by angelic light. I’d open my mouth to say something relaxed and cool, but quickly close it again, terrified of sounding pathetic. Martin Zager and Ally Fouts would be by my side, shaking their heads disappointedly.
I remember (and this is awkward) having a huge crush on this total hunk named Jake. I’m no poof, but this guy was fucking gorgeous. Anyway, it was a rough time; family forgot my B-day, had to room with an exchange student, some dork was after my underwear, etc. Eventually, Jake and I dated, but he had gonorrhea.
I remember Ryan and Tim feeding a bunch of information into a computer and creating a beautiful, naked, British woman out of nothing. I must have imagined that because that’s stupid.
I remember carrying a camcorder around for a while. I was full of teenage angst and filmed everything I could. The most beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen was an old grocery bag floating in circles in the wind. It made me hurt- it was so beautiful. Or maybe I was all high. Not sure
I remember failing one of my classes during senior year. Craig was also failing and the only way we could make it up was to give a presentation in front of the whole school. With the help of Napoleon, Socrates, and Abraham Lincoln, we managed to pull it through.
Let’s face it, high school wasn’t always roses. Most of us were just fumbling around, dazed and confused- feeling we’d be better off dead or say anything to escape for an hour or two. Problems seemed all encompassing at that age. If I got dressed in the morning and realized I didn’t look pretty in pink, my whole day was shot. Maybe most of us just needed someone to say, “Hey, lean on me.”
Luckily, my uncle Ben was there to tell me something. “Bob,” he said, “these are the years when you decide what kind of man you’ll become for the rest of your life.” Then, he said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” I don’t know what that means. Ben drank.
When I stop to think about it, most of my high school memories remind me of that movie- “Mrs. Doubtfire.”
Aloha,
-Bob (10/14/05)
P.S. O’Doyle rules.
